Happiness

This is a post that I wrote and never published. Here it is, with an update too!

A year and a half ago (a little over four years now), I fell in love. It's been an interesting experience. It's been my greatest joy along with some pain. But I would never undo it.

It snuck up on me, which is pretty unsurprising if you know me. When I moved out, I figured that even though I was on the young side, I'd be the roommate who made sure the other girls were in safely at night before locking the door, the one to help finish getting ready for a date, the one to find lost things and to remind others about the keys left on the table. Because that's always been me. 

I was never the girl with big, exciting news to tell about a date on Friday night or from any other night for that matter. I was always the one to listen and smile and give big hugs and cheer romance on from the sidelines. And you know what? I was okay with that. I was okay with not getting much attention from guys and not having lots of dates. Too many people looking at you. We all people-watch and I have always preferred to be the observer rather than the observee.

So I was okay with it. I was looking forward to hearing the stories, either funny or fantastic, that my roommates would tell when they got back. I was looking forward to the slightly more grown up version of playing dress up. I was looking forward to the giggles and the teasing and the blushes of it all. Besides, I've never really connected with guys. I'm very much quietness and pixie dust and strawberry lemonade. There may be quiet guys and guys that like strawberry lemonade but there are hardly any guys that like pixie dust and even fewer who like quiet, sparkly, pink-hued lemonade. 

So imagine my surprise when I met someone, a guy someone, that I could talk to about practically anything under the sun and in whose company I never felt the least bit uncomfortable or fake. Sometimes I do that accidentally. Be uncomfortable and turn into a talking plastic shell that vaporizes when I walk away. It's exhausting and I don't like it because then the person I was talking to wasn't actually talking to me . . . just some projection I put up in my panic not to be left with nothing to say.

But I didn't do that. And I didn't stay tucked neatly inside of myself either. I didn't come out of my shell all the way, but I didn't need to. I felt at home.

I didn't think it would last, not with the same strength as that first time. But hey, I'd managed to have a genuinely comfortable conversation with a guy who was practically a stranger. That's progress!

So imagine my surprise when the next time we talked, it was the same way. I found myself the last one at activities. The last one except for him. And that was only because he was talking to me. We were talking! And it was fun! And before I knew what had happened, we were friends. I'd had guys as friends before, but it wasn't the same. This was someone that I felt comfortable being around constantly. And for an introvert, that's saying something. It's not that I got tired of being around other friends, it's just that around other friends, I would get tired. I would use up my store of social energy and have to retreat for a while.

But we kept talking. And I was happy about that.

Then came the day when I found myself scheming for excuses to invite him over. We'd only hung out in group settings before, but I wanted to just invite him. I started thinking. "Movie?" No, too date-like. "Games!" Oh, I don't have any. "Small group of people that he just happens to be one of?" Wait, that's the point. No people. Um . . . .

I finally hit on it. Food. I'm good at food. Guys like food. This is good. Invite people over for food! (Because of course I chickened out of just inviting him) And then I was given the perfect excuse. Too many chopped carrots from making foil dinners. And what else do you do with a gallon bag's worth of pre-chopped carrots but make carrot cake?

He and his friend showed up after everyone else (don't worry, the friend was someone I had invited too) and a small group of us started talking. We hit the curfew for the apartment, so we moved to the lobby. We hit curfew for the lobby, so we moved outside. And we just kept talking. Eventually, we decided to say goodnight, but not until we had given ourselves stitches from laughing so hard we had trouble breathing.

And it hit me. I'd like a lot more nights spent that way with him. I'd even found myself flirting, which for me is being entirely myself and allowing myself to be ridiculous and even vulnerable. I'd been flirting and wasn't even embarrassed by it at all.

Before this starts sounding too much like a romantic comedy, I didn't have any grand designs to win him over. For one thing, I wouldn't have known how. For another, he wasn't going to be sticking around. He was going to be leaving to serve a mission for two years. Besides, I was happy having him around and I didn't even consider that we could date or anything like that. I was just happy to have him around for as long as I could.

I didn't want a boyfriend. I was just getting used to the whole going on dates in general thing, let alone trying to complicate things with a boyfriend. No thanks, I'll just keep things simple. 

We started hanging out almost every night. Spending several hours a day talking to someone really lets you get to know them. The more I knew, the more I was happy that he was my friend. We ended up going on a date, but I knew lots of guy/girl friends who went on dates. We had planned about two hours for the date. I think it ended up about six. Not because it was anything elaborate, just because we kept talking. It was the simplest of dates: ice cream and a walk. It was perfect.

Over the next few weeks, we spent hours and hours talking, not about anything in particular, just whatever came up. We even went on another date. And the entire time, I was completely at ease. 

It wasn't like we were dating-dating. I was open to being asked by other people and  he asked other girls. I had realized pretty early on that I wouldn't mind dating him, but I didn't think he'd be interested in it. And I was okay with that. I was still happy.

Unsurprisingly (to everyone but me), we started dating. Officially and everything. And I realized, I had a boyfriend. What was I doing with a boyfriend? I didn't want one when I started out and I didn't really want one even then. That's right. Even when we started dating, I still didn't want a boyfriend. But I wanted to be with him, so I changed my mind. And I was even happier. 

Having him as my boyfriend wasn't much different than having him be my very good friend. We still talked about pretty much everything there is to talk about and spent time together. There were perks to having him as my boyfriend, however. I could give him long hugs without feeling intrusive. I could feel not-guilty about flirting with him. I could keep falling in love with him without thinking that I might possibly be stepping on another girl's toes. 

Because by the time we started dating, I had already started falling in love with him. In fact, I'd realized that I was beginning to fall in love with him the moment I realized that I was looking him in the eyes and laughing and flirting.

By the time we had been dating a few weeks, I knew that I wasn't just falling anymore. I was in love. Not just the kind of giddy, twitterpated, stars-in-your-eyes kind of love (although there was that too), but the kind of love where you care so deeply about another person's well-being that you would make any sacrifice. And I had chosen well. He was the sweetest person imaginable and also one of the strongest. He would never intentionally hurt me and he never stopped trying to serve me. He was someone that I trusted and I knew he trusted me. He had become my best friend and that was who I had fallen in love with.

He's out serving a  mission right now (got home this last January!) and I am so proud of him. I can only imagine the ways in which he will bless people's lives. He's out serving God and that's exactly where he's supposed to be.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what's going to happen. But I do know is that it will happen and if we listen to God, we will both end up exactly where we are supposed to be, wherever that ends up being.

I fell in love almost a year and a half ago (or four!) and I'm still in love today. For me, loving someone isn't something that you can turn on and off. It isn't something that's conditional on someone's behavior. It isn't even conditional on whether or not they love you back. I'm not by any means advocating staying in an unhealthy relationship, but I am saying that love isn't about you. Love is not about meeting your needs or ensuring your happiness.

Love is charity. And charity "suffereth long, and is kind . . . envieth not . . . seeketh not her own . . . is not easily provoked . . . beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things . . . . Charity never faileth" (1st Corinthians 13: 4-8). 

Being in love isn't the easiest. It doesn't always equal happiness. But I believe that love is the most valuable gift that you can give to another person. To me, loving someone means never giving up.

I've heard it lots of times. "You're still very young." "Two years is a long time." "People change." "You can't possibly know that you're in love." "You're too young to be able to decide something like that." "Time will tell." And one of my favorites, "You don't want to just automatically rule out everybody else."

Yes, people change and time will tell. Who knows, we could end up being such different people in two years that we'll wonder how we ever could have dated. But wouldn't my love be cheap and worthless if only the possibility of things not working out was enough to smother it? What kind of value would my love hold if a shadow was all that was necessary to put it out?

Who knows what will happen in the future. I certainly don't. But I've been thinking a lot about love and charity lately, and how in their best forms, they really end up being the same thing. So right now, I'm happy to be where I am. I'm content to work on myself. I'm happy and I'm happy to be in love.

* * * *

And here we are, two and a half years later. And now I know what the future was to bring. Happiness! My boyfriend and I have now both returned from missions. (Look for letters to follow about my Minnesota experience!) We returned two days apart, which was surprising but very exciting. 

We decided that we should see each other in person so that we could figure things out. Emails and letters are great but we knew that it would be important to become reacquainted and to talk in person. Plus we really missed each other. So after about three weeks of being home, Chris picked me up from the airport. And oh my goodness :) That first hug in two years and we were back. There was no awkwardness, just happiness and contentment. We spent a week going on dates and talking and spending time together and with family. 

The Sunday before we were going to my parents' home, we were on a drive to talk. And we were prompted to pray together. And overwhelmingly, our answer was that we should be married. We were thrilled. And nervous. And thrilled. We told his parents and they were excited. We would have told my parents but he hadn't met them yet....

So that was next. We flew back and he got to meet my whole family. All at once! I'm sure that wasn't overwhelming.....Anyway, he got to talk to my parents and I had adventures staying with my grandparents and the day before he flew home, we "borrowed" my youngest brother after school and drove up to the temple for picture-taking. And then, after three and a half years of dating, Chris asked me to marry him. He teases me that I didn't say "yes". I said "Of course!"

Fast-forward two months and both of our families were at the temple. We knelt across a sacred alter and made promises in the sight of God. And we were married, sealed for time and all eternity. And we couldn't have been happier. 

Six(ish) months later, we are still enormously happy. We've had many small and medium-sized trials along the way. We've had challenges and upsets. But we are happy. We are content. We are joyful. I didn't think that I wanted a boyfriend but now I'm glad I do. He's my permanent boyfriend, my best friend, my husband, and my companion for eternity. And I am so, so happy :)